What It Was Like

I was born at Riverside Methodist Hospital in Columbus, Ohio. My parents were from Grandview, which is a small suburb on the West side of Columbus, Ohio. We lived there until I was fourteen years old. I had friends, but I wasnt very good at being a friend.

My immediate family used alcohol sparingly and it was customary for me to have sparkling wine around holiday dinners. I also have faint memories of taking an occasional sip of my grandfathers beer, hearing remarks about the faces I made at the taste of it, and how cute that was. Little did they know what lay ahead!

When I was fourteen years old, my family moved to Hocking County and I began attending Logan High School. Friends came a little easier, although my motives were still selfish with regard to friendship.

My parents kept a half-gallon of Canadian Club in the cupboard for times when my grandparents visited. I was between the ages of twelve and fourteen when I first started sneaking a few shots at a time out of that bottle. I only drank it sparingly. I did it, at least in part, because I knew it was taboo and that that my parents would definitely have disapproved, had they known. I liked the way it felt warm going known. This behavior increased in amount and frequency as I grew older.

When I was around sixteen, I went out with some buddies for the first time. There were eight or nine of us in a van. Our first order of business was to drive to a little country carry out that sold beer to anyone who was willing and able to pay for it. I got a six-pack of Miller High Life. It was a cold night. We rode around, stopping occasionally to socialize.

I remember waking up in the upstairs of a one and a half story garage that belonged to a friend's parents. There was no heat and Id slept on a couple of old used tires. I remember thinking what a great time Id had. My memory is a little foggy, but I believe I went out and did the exact same thing the next night.

I felt cool when I was drinking. I felt considerably more relaxed around girls, I felt like they looked at me differently. I felt manlier around the guys. Drinking was great. I always had a fear though, that the wrong people, i.e. my parents, my girlfriends parents, my employer, the police, etc., would find out what I was really like.
I believed I was headed toward a promising future, in which I would have all the things I thought had value; easy money, a variety of women who would grovel to fulfill my every sexual desire, the respect of other men, and excitement and adventure around every corner, from which I would always arise victorious.

Then there was reality. I was an underachiever who never completed anything I ever started. I constantly sought a less healthy relationship than the one I was in, sometimes successfully. I changed employers more often than most people changed their motor oil, usually quitting a job to avoid being fired. I stole to be sure that I could support my habits, and then spent what I earned on extravagance or at the bars while my (ex) wife and baby daughter were waiting on me to come home.

What Happened

By the time I was twenty-four it was painfully obvious to everyone in my life what the deal was, except for me. I still thought my drinking was cool.

Finally, I began to feel everything pulling apart. Counselors had introduced some of my family to the right ideas about how to act, for their own well being and for mine. They began to put some of those ideas into practice. I dropped out of college again, and my employment situation became shakier than ever. I wasnt being enabled as much by my family and I couldnt manage on my own.

My father died very unexpectedly in August of 1993. I was devastated and I didnt have any way to cope except to drink more alcohol. Things got worse. My (ex) wife left with our fourteen-month-old daughter. It didnt occur to me at the time just how bad the situation had gotten, but she had sold her car to buy plane tickets so that they could get away from me.

At that time utilities began being turned off again. It was September and winter was around the corner. I felt as if I had nowhere left to turn. I got on my knees, and I asked for help. The following day, September 20, 1993, I did not drink. To say that now makes it sound easy, but at that time going a day without alcohol was a thing that I had been unable to accomplish for countless months.

Up to that point I had been drinking as much as one and a half cases of beer a day. Toward the end, the beer was supplemented with shots of liquor because it wasnt getting the job done by itself.

My mother told me I could stay with her provided I did not drink. I gathered some belongings. Upon arriving at her house, I looked in the phone book, called A.A. and found the location of an A.A. meeting in Logan that evening. I met several people there. Among them was Todd F. He stayed after that meeting and talked to me in the parking lot until late. He told me about other local meetings and gave me the basics of what I needed to do next; dont drink, and go to meetings, ninety meetings in ninety days.

What Its Like Now

When I began recovery I was at the bottom and I was empty. As I have participated in recovery I have gradually been filled back up with better things. With patience I have been given the things that I need. I now have some direction in my life. I have a wife and a home. I have a relationship with my daughter, even though she lives far away. I have unwittingly been an example to other members of my family.

I dont work a perfect program. In fact, I dont think that I work an average program, but God keeps granting me sobriety each day, so I continue to try to make progress, one day at a time.